AN UPDATE FROM LOVING KIMMY…

Today, October 8^th, is the two-year anniversary of Kimmy’s death. In comparison with the long drawn out twelve years she battled Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease, these past two years have quickly flown by. When Kimmy died, I had to plan her memorial services.

That was November 11^th. Then Thanksgiving came, as well as Christmas. After Christmas and New Year’s, I started a mad dash to get ready for the second Loving Kimmy Golf Tournament. It had been scheduled for November, but I postponed it for obvious reasons. The golf tournament was on March 25^th, and it was a remarkable success.

That six months of craziness and noise was followed by a period of silence. Everything within my being along with everything surrounding me, just got really quiet. It was strangely noticeable. My thoughts of what Kimmy had been through, and what me and my kids had endured were still very present. It felt like a light switch had been flipped, turning off  the muddled, grinding, churning sounds of chaos, heartache, and stress. I remember standing outside one morning and gazing out over the hillside and feeling a calm quiet peace.

I started thinking it was time to get back to blogging and posting. I also felt it was time to really dive into the book I had been trying to write. For some reason though,  I just could not focus and get started. I felt completely lost. I lost my best friend and wife, the fabric of family Kimmy and I so cherished, and my sense of purpose. I started wondering what my life was all about. What was the purpose of me being here on this earth? What indelible mark would my existence have on the universe? Was I destined to simply be a man who spent 12 years or more taking care of others? I  thought WTF.

I just lost twelve years of my prime adult life trying to survive while taking care of Kimmy and raising our kids. How or why did this happen to her, me, our family? It took me until I was thirty-nine to fall in love with someone who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  In what seemed like a flash, she was gone. For the past two years, I have been stuck in the mud, emotionally and creatively. I just have not been able to reengage with anything having to do with Loving Kimmy or Alzheimer’s.

This past August, I took a long road trip with my daughter. The purpose was to bring her to college in Illinois, just outside of St. Louis. We brought our dog Koda, and had a nice two-day break in Aspen, Colorado, a place I used to work and play for almost two years.

It was a fun trip. After dropping her off at college, I went to Nashville for a few days. That was a blast. No matter what I did though, Kimmy was always in my mind. I thought of her when I saw a younger couple that reminded me of us. I thought of her when I saw an older couple, which made me think of how we would have lived when we got older, when we were empty nesters. I thought of her while listening to great music at a honky-tonk.

Soon, I was back seeing my daughter one more time, grabbing our dog from my sister’s, and heading off to Austin, Texas to visit my son, who relocated there in July. After seeing my son, I headed back to LA. During these last two phases of my trip, to say I had a lot of time to think would be an understatement. I was heading back to the home we occupied for the last five and a half years. It would be empty, except for the memories.

After feeling locked down in LA and focused on the mission to help my kids have as normal a life as possible, I suddenly faced the unknown. Personally, I decided to reboot my once decent acting career. Deciding where to live was and still is another challenge. One of the biggest things I needed to focus on was the non-profit I started after Kim was diagnosed, Loving Kimmy. www.lovingkimmy.org

As I mentioned earlier, since Kimmy died, I have had a tough time engaging with writing and  blogging. Why, I asked myself, was I being so lazy, so disconnected? It was on my drive that I came to the realization that I must have needed a break from anything having to do with Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease! The past thirteen years of my life, I have been surrounded by and consumed by this horrible disease. So, I guess it was normal for me to want to keep it at arm’s length for a while.

How is that for some self-psychological evaluation? Guess I saved some money not going to a shrink. You see, once I came to this realization, I felt clearer in my head. It was OK for me to take a break from everything related to Alzheimer’s. Processing this has given me a new perspective on what I believe I can do to in honor of Kimmy, and how I can try to help others in her memory.

Two years after Kimmy’s death, I am finally thinking clearly again. I have also recognized that I am only one person. Though I have had friends and family volunteer when I needed help with Loving Kimmy, anything Loving Kimmy can do for others flows through me alone. Running a non-profit is an extremely challenging thing to do. In truth, a small non-profit about Alzheimer’s and dementia can, and does, get overshadowed by larger organizations such as the Alzheimer’s Association.

People are used to donating and participating in events offered by them. People only have so many dollars for charitable organizations. So, creating a successful non-profit in this area is huge challenge. A challenge I no longer feel I can manage by myself. Though Loving Kimmy has helped other families dealing with Early Onset Alzheimer’s, and I have counseled people who reached out to me through my website, I do not feel like I am able to do enough to truly have an impact.

At the end of this year, I will be dissolving the non-profit Loving Kimmy. However, this does not mean I am abandoning my mission! It just means the vehicle I will be using has changed.

Loving Kimmy, “10 Years of Heaven, 12 Years of Hell!”

This is the new title of the book I am writing. It was formerly called Loving Kimmy, Year After Year. Somehow, looking back now, the old title is very blah,blah,blah. There was nothing blah, blah, blah about the past twelve years. So, this new title does a better job of representing the journey.

Writing this book and sharing our story will now be my primary focus. I believe this will allow me to truly help more people, and raise more awareness of Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease, especially when young children are present in the household.

A well-known literary agent once told me that my story is “from the gutters of life” and needs to be told. So that is what I intend to do. Side note…there are currently a few sample chapters of my book on the Loving Kimmy website. www.lovingkimmy.org

I humbly ask for your support as I pivot to this new direction. Please share this post with family and friends. Re-post it on your social media. I will soon have a registry or signup Button on the Loving Kimmy website home page. Please register there so that I can share information about the book and when it is published. I will also create an advance order list a little down the road.

One other note, the literary agent I mentioned earlier is retired. So, if any of you reading this know of a good literary agent, or work for a publisher,  please share this with them or have them reach out to me directly at Ferrellentertainmentgroup@yahoo.com

Thank you to all of you who have so generously supported Loving Kimmy with your time and/or donations.

Bill Ferrell